Journal

I have had a rough few weeks. If any one has been watching the points....they have seen it. Anyway. I'm choosing to post a few paragraphs from my personal journal here. Mostly because I'm tired of my shallow 1 paragraph posts and thought maybe it's time to share a little bit more. Please don't comment. I know things will get better. I know there is a lot of good advice out there....but right now I just want to share....with no feedback. Thanks.




Today I miss my house. I miss my old life. I miss my Greeley family. I miss Heather. I miss being able to talk to her and get advice and listen to her stories and tell each other almost everything while we ran. I miss running! I miss my carpool! I miss my kids' old school. I miss our old library and pool and backyard! I miss our tramp! I miss my garden! I miss my basement. I miss my food storage room. I miss my kids having friends! I miss my kids liking their house, school and ward! I miss sleeping through the night. I miss feeling confident. I miss predictability in life. I really could go on and on with this list.

I'm so tired of forgetting new friends' names. I'm tired of getting lost in the store. I'm tired of getting lost if I don't use my GPS. I'm tired of hip pain! I'm tired of carrying these extra pounds. I'm tired of not having someone to open my heart to. I'm tired of living in limbo. I'm tired of not having enough money to make it through each pay period. I'm tired of the unknown. I'm tired of not knowing where we will live and what my life is going to look like even just a few months down the road from whatever day I may be living. Another list that truly could continue for a very long time...

I know I shouldn't complain. I KNOW there are SO MANY more people in this world who have much more profound things to worry about in life. I KNOW my difficulties are trivial. And temporary. But, even if they won't last forever, for now, today, yesterday and last month and every day last week - I still feel them. They may be trivial, but to me they are real. Sometimes my heart seems to hurt. And I don't know how to make it better. And sometimes, right in those moments, my kids' hearts start to hurt and I have to somehow find a way to heal both of us...and I just don't know how.

Enough for tonight. This is enough. Now I will let out some emotions through tears. And end this day with a prayer of gratitude. Tomorrow will be better. It usually is.